What are you thinking my dear said the preacher and the little girl never replied she just cried.

For my whole life I have wondered why me , why did the lord give me this life, Why for the past 11 years have I taken care of my mother. Through her anorexia , through her alcohol abuse. Everything I have been there when my father couldn't be. And why when I call her out does she call me out for just smoking pot when she does the same exact thing. I never understood it, yes I know the weak point out others faults to cover up their own I get that , but why don't I get to have a mother I don't get it, my whole life she told me I would never amount to anything, I would never deserve anything more than a abusive boyfriend, that I am a junky for smoking weed. Well mother listen up, I am about to sign a contract with a 20 dollar an hour job, mother I have met a wonderful man who makes me smile more than I have in a year, mother I smoke weed to relax and in no way to I fit into the dictionary definition of a junky because mother I never do it alone, mother I barley even buy it, mother I don't need it to survive like you do with your alcohol. Mother I am sitting here wanting you to get better and to have a wonderful life. While you sit there in a  comatose state I wonder if i'll ever get to meet the actual woman who brought me into the world who wanted me so badly . I wonder what it's like to have a mother. To laugh with, to cry on her shoulder, to get your hair and make up done with, to share everything with. Instead the lord gifted me with an alcoholic , body self loathing bitch who never expected anything of me but to just drift out of her life. Why me I wonder? why would someone put this on someone, did the lord see that she needed help and I was her only hope? I don't understand is this what he wanted to sentence my life to be, taking care of the life who gave me life because somedays that is all I feel that I am. To others I am just an object to look at , a skinny busty long haired young lady that's all I am, What am I?

Sincerly ,

Something Unknown. 

I sometimes wonder on my past judgment.

I look back in my past posts and I wonder why I was so hung up on my ex who treated me so badly, I also wonder WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING. He was lucky to ever get a girl like me. Yes , at the time I partied a lot, and yeah I smoked weed but damn I was so much better than him in every way possible. Tonight , I went on his facebook just to see how it would feel and you know what ....nothing. He honestly is nothing to me anymore and that is such a blessed feeling. Now I have a wonderful man, he makes me smile more than I have in awhile, I laugh a lot more, and to top it all off I don't feel obligated to be by his side everyday. I want to savor the moments I have with the one I care about most. My ex was probably the worst thing to ever happen to me , but he was also a learning experience and someone who pointed me in the direction to be with the guy who I am with today. Well a lot of guys in between helped with that as well but I've never been happier. So to all the assholes in between thank you for making me realize what I didn't need in my life. That I don't need to be put down daily, that I don't need a man to be happy, and that I don't need someone like a majority of the guys I've dated. Yeah , I wasn't perfect at the end of my last relationship but I was driven to be a bitch, I had to become everything I wasn't so that everything would be okay, I lost a lot of my friends, and yeah when I knew things were fucking up I was talking to an ex . But, never in my life did I cheat like he did. ( Yes , I slyly convinced one of your friends to tell me :) ) so this is a big thanks to you all and a laugh at your new girlfriends or fuck buddies. Because I am so much happier than I have been in awhile and he has only helped a little. I am happy by myself or with him. I learned that I am a wonderful person inside and out and people will enjoy me whether they want to pursue me or not. I know to a most of you I was just a trophy something nice to have on your arm. But this guy likes me for me and genuinely cares . He doesn't hide anything in front of his friends and he has taken the time to get to know mine and they all love him. I have been told that were the ultimate power couple and that people see us going very far. So thank you sweet heart for making my days a little brighter, my smiles a little longer, my heart beats a little harder, my laugh is a little louder, and making my knees weaken. It wasn't the moment I met you that I knew you were gonna be mine and it was the moment that people asked . "So are you single?" I would say "no" even before we started dating. And when I heard that the first day we met when I walked away you said " Thats gonna be my girlfriend , you watch." that my heart bounced out of my chest. Thank you for being the one who has mattered , someone I was afraid to like because I liked you to much. You are everything the last few weren't , You remind me everyday why I care about you as much as I do. I'm glad , i'm the only person who has really mattered since you got back to the states. You make me now wonder what I was thinking when i was dating those other guys because my whole life I was looking for you, My tall dark and handsome, my prince charming, my little rebel the best combo of good guy and bad guy. A guy who can drink and have a good time but can come home to me and cuddle up at the end of the night. Like you babe <3 

Sincerely ,

Something brutally falling for him. 

What I will never understand.

The past few weeks where I live have been fairly warm (high 80's low 90's) So I have chossen to wear shorts to school. But , whenever I walk into class I get judgment, I have gotten stares and unapporving smirks and small noises from a older african american woman and a young thicker white woman( who is about my age) , and also a man in my class( of the geeky sort.) He of all people made a comment "Next time wear pants to class." and I came back with. " It's how I am comfortable if you don't like it don't look.

The keyboard is fucking up i'll finish this when I get home.

Dear long lost friend.... Oh how I miss you.

Dear Joe,

I chose to write this here because I know where ever I write things to you , you will see them. But , My reasoning is because there is so much that I don't want people to know. I am so sorry I wasn't closer to you before you passed you were there for me when I was at my absolute worst and I couldn't be there for you when you were at yours. The day I passed your house and saw the cop cars I secretly already knew what I was facing , I was facing the loss of another friend. Damn Joe I miss you so much it kills me. I started seeing a new guy , His name is Christian ( his real names Todd but when I come see you tomorrow i'll explain it all.) and I brought you up and I had to stop talking about it because of how much I know I still hurt. I feel awful for saying you basically raped me the night of Matt's party , neither of us knew what was going on and when I told you to get off you did and when I was about to throw up you carried me outside and when I couldn't walk you carried me to Britt's car. That right there shows me why you are my brother . You always cared about me no matter how much we were fighting you were there to stand by my side , hold my hand, and tell me everything is going to be okay. Like at Wayne's funeral you held my hand and held me close when I couldn't help but shed my tears but you told me not to fear because he was happier. I feel like even then you were preparing me for your passing. You just weren't happy and i'm sorry Joey but all I ever wanted you to be was happy. I miss you so fucking much it breaks my heart a little more than the day before knowing the sound of your voice is slowly slipping but I re-watch videos to hold on to the moments you were just the Joey I could love with all my heart and soul. During your funeral I held my hand solely alone and open for you to hold it, like you did at Wayne's funeral hoping you would be there to hold it close to your heart to get me through that day. The day you died I can't even put words to how I felt i've never screamed so loud in my life and felt pain flush through my body any faster I just want you back so badly, your hugs were always healing and your smiles were contagious. I miss you calling me by your nickname for me and us being silly I miss you Joe , I miss my brother , please visit me in my dreams tonight I miss you big brother I want a sign that you are here Joe I want a sign that i'm not crazy and that you do understand . please hear me Joey PLEASE.

I won't give up no matter hard I try. Sometimes I just don't understand a lot , sometimes I just don't understand why you left me in the dust, or why others leave me in the dust like you did. 4 years is coming up soon and all I wanna do is talk to you see if anythings changed but i'm afraid to get ahold of you, I put on a good show like everything is okay and that I don't need you anything I honestly just want the truth. I want to stop standing on this stage in front of a crowd as they see me go on with my life, my struggles, my goals being achieved, Me allowing them to see what I want them to but honestly i'm hurting. Since you left me in december i've told people we've talked but we haven't , it's because in my mind I wish we had , I wish you would take me back make this all better. But , I bet you've forgotten about me , I bet you and her are getting married having your perfect little family with your perfect little life and i'm left here hurting. Wishing we could go back to when we used to text all the time wanting each other more than anything in this fucked up world. We were both newly single but we spent a whole day just laying next to each other cuddling , touching, but nothing sexual just enjoying each others company. I remember the day I met you on the hill at warped tour you saw me and smiled and then we sat on that hill your arm around me and we simply just talked. Then the night I drove out to red bud early just to meet you in a parking lot of a church for one simple kiss and there you were. Yes I was the other girl, but i've been there even when we don't talk we come back together like time never went on. But , I have a feeling that this time was the last time. God Damn this sucks :/ Why can't I get the happy ending for once, why couldn't you have used a condom this time, maybe things would have different? I want to be that one you end up in the end with , not her. I know it's selfish but I was there first, I have always been there. I give up there is nothing more that I can do because in the end I'm the home wrecker. And in the end I want you to be happy whatever your choice is, I want your child (boy or girl ; something I never want to know.) to have a good life and for him or her to have a good dad. Whatever your choice in the end I want you to make the right choice that's good for you. Just know I will always be there like I always have. Fate wouldn't have brought us together for us to fall apart or maybe that's why it brought us together , because it wanted us to see what true love is like. I don't know how many guys I have talked about in this blog site but for the past 4 years you have been the one I have continuously talked about the good and the bad you have always been there. Maybe fate tried to show me that we aren't meant to be by getting her pregnant? I don't know but I will always be there. I The Notebook Ally and Noah were apart for 7 years and after that they ended up together, and I am not comparing our story to one written by a great novelist I am just using it as an example. But I hope you have a great life , I hope you chase your dreams, I hope if you don't marry her that you find love in someone else who love you patiently through fault and worry. I hope you don't forget me even though I think you have. I sometimes wonder if you think about me. In the end I just hope for the best in you. But this is my goodbye I'm not gonna sit here with my sob story about how I wish we could be together, if it was meant to be it would have happened. I love you.

Bye.

-Something that is moving on from a fairytale.